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Hope And My Spiritual Self (Lesson 1)

July 19, 2012



Losing hope for me was losing everything; for without hope, which for me is the same as faith, what is there? You have nothing, what is this life about? If there isn’t a here after, because death has not conquered the grave. If I thought that this life was all there is, this would be enough to scare me to death. Romans 1:16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ. So based on my belief and my faith, I prayed a prayer, not because of my affliction, but because of all the things in my life that might have taken my life a few times over, I knew that it was no accident that I am still here. I have known for most of my adult life that the bad things that happen to good people, don’t come from the God that created us, I know what I know, because I know. When I sat down at the table and agreed to this life lesson, I don’t remember signing on for this. For those of you who understand (just smile). Enough said on that for now.
Going to chemo therapy was going to meet the devil himself. The phase “what’s your poison” was never truer ~ having full knowledge that I had given these people permission to poison me, and knowing that if I survived would have some long team residual effects, blew my mind and made me question my sanity. The chemo soldiers would kill cancer soldiers as well as my good ones. Renée
Please explain that, you see the chemo itself can cause another cancer to develop or it can just kill you, which happens all the time, but people just don’t hear about it. This chemo isn’t medicine, it is a poison that ravishes the body and the medical community makes a judgment call, based on your individual history and your age, whether or not your body can hold up under the siege and it can be a crap shoot (no guaranties)…..

Every chemo day, I sat in that room and watched the nurse approach me with that poison, I screamed inside, but who was listening? Who cared? Maybe I would wake up and discover it was a bad dream. I would listen to Whitney Houston sing “I didn’t know my own strength” and R. Kelly sing “The Greatest”, because I learned a long time ago that if you can just change your mind, you can change your world. That needle being pushed into my chest made me feel things I had never felt in my life. I didn’t feel like that mountain way up high, but I wanted to and why had my body betrayed me and why did I have to find the strength to deal with this and Why, why, why………

Thank you for your visit ~ Talk to me

Renée 1

One Comment
  1. stephanie permalink

    Your pain is poignant…your words profound! Your spirit, exalted… and your journey, purposeful. Please continue to write and share your world. I can imagine it must be therapeutic for you and nurturing to others. Thank you.

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