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Go Straight To Hell

July 26, 2012



There are a number of people in the world who don’t realize that sometimes their knowledge of things and speaking of them can override their intelligence. I.e. the lyrics that say “you’ve got to know when to hold, know when to fold and know when to walk away “to me this is the mark of an intelligent person. And then there are those people who are so obsessed with themselves and their wonderfulness that they never learned that there are other worlds in the universe. I am thinking that maybe it had something to do with their home training. So having said that, someone told me after I had tried to speak of my pain “that the devils work had entered my thinking” needless to say that was the end of the conversation. That night I met the devil

It was after my second chemo treatment, unable to go to sleep for whatever the reason my face began to burn with a heat that I have never experienced in my life ~ it continued though the top of my head, in my mind I could see flames shooting through the top of my head ~ perspiration began pouring down my face and onto my chest and I thought I was losing my mind because from my chest to my feet my coldness was becoming unbearable ~ what was happening? My pillow was socked with perspiration and my body was in a freezer ~ I lifted my body from the bed, looked back and found clumps of hair on the pillow ~ I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t cry. I got to the bathroom, only to discover that my urine was the same color as the poison they put in me and the devil stood up and said “ hello “….

I don’t know which was worse, my fear or my anger, I attempted to take a sip of water, but I could not swallow. There came a point where I could speck and all I did was curse the devil ~ I put my very cold hands on my burning head and tried to find comfort in that. I thought of Saturday Night Fever and this disco is burning, burn this mother down. I hated everything; I couldn’t think of suicide, because what would have been the point of the chemo. Every surface that my body passed over continued to accumulate my hair, until we shaved it off. I feared for the loss of my teeth, which in my vanity met a lot to me. Yes I am in the fight of my life for my life and my vanity prevails to the death. Yes I am women and all that it implies, so according to the gospel of Renée there are some things in life that are worse than death. And the younger generation said “you can either get with this or you can get with that”….

Did you ever think that most people will say “how are you doing “but do they really want to know? Not that I was running a test, but after being asked that question, as most of us are, I replied “I’m dying how are you”? For some reason I enjoyed the shock value. Because most people really don’t want to know.
Thank you for your visit ~ Talk to me

Renée 1

  1. stephanie permalink

    I could not help but chuckle through your metaphors, while at the same time being moved by your loss of what defines most women…our hair! In this instance, I can relate to the loss of hair. No not hair breakage, not thinning but baldness. I began losing my hair at 25 and the doctors could not figure it out, after 25 steroid shots on each side of my head for six months, all it did was bring me pain! I was told this could be hereditary, funny thing is my mother and grandmothers on both sides have a full head of hair. My father even has more hair around his head than do I. I spent an exorbitant amount of money trying to cover up and/or treat my balding condition. My vanity will most likely lead me to undergoing a hair transplant procedure.

  2. I lost my breast, so I reconstructed a new one. I lost my hair and I guess I will just work my bald head. I can do that! If you feel good about whatever you do. That’s all that matters…..

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