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~ IT’S ONLY A SCAR ~

May 7, 2014

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Vanity has always been part of the world we live in and I have my share of it. People can become very pompous about your issues, when they haven’t walked in your moccasins. What a blessing it is to come into the world and leave it with our whole mind and body fully in tact ~ but we never say “thank you”. Paraplegics and people who have lost their limbs, gone blind and somehow they found enough in their hearts to smile and genuinely be happy.
They cut my breast off and I didn’t want to live. You see, a week before surgery they took another mammogram and ultra sound and I was clear. No tumor could be found. I agreed to go into surgery to have a look, just to make sure. My tumor which was about 3cm could not be found. Surgeon stated there was a lot of crystallization; pathology said it was A typical, so in my best interest the breast was removed along with 9 lymph nodes. When I was informed I went into shock and lost the next two days of my life. I felt mutilated, destroyed as a woman. You see I didn’t go into surgery thinking they were going to remove my breast. The drama in my head and the drama in my body were not in sync. I was so weak and so alone, I felt invisible and wanted to leave this life as I know it. My blood levels were slow rising so they gave me a blood transfusion. It was a year later before I thought about that transfusion and weather someone in the handling of that blood, let a bad batch get by. After all this was an elective surgery why didn’t I ask my family to donate blood before the date? I couldn’t think of everything and now the deed is done.
On the third day my surgeon came back to look at her work. I cried and couldn’t look down as she removed the bandages and stated as she smiled “It’s just a scar”.
It was four weeks later before I could remove my badges and surgical bra, when I observed metal claps across my chest, where a breast used to be. I counted them over and over. My life had changed forever. Who would have thought that losing a breast would have thrown my gate off? I wondered why I swayed or stumbled sometimes. Eventually I figured out for myself, that my body was trying to find its new normal. After six weeks I returned to the surgeon for these staples to be pulled out of my chest. I don’t have words for the fear. I only remember how I trembled. I now question, did they really have to use a staple gun to close me when my muscle was still intact and that being the case. Why didn’t they use dissolvable stitches?

Conquering and slaying the demons within. One day at a time…..

As Always, thank you for your time and your visit
I am Renée 1

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3 Comments
  1. stephanie permalink

    A staple is more secure…at least this is what is professed – “He/She was a staple in the community” it’s a permanent structure…I don’t know, sounds good, as far as the feeling, well they say what don’t kill us will only make us stronger! You exude strength, easy for me to say. You are a pillar of strength. How many pillars have withstood nicks, cuts, dents, and holes? I know YOU have…please keep living in us, through us, for us! I love you.

    • Because you deposit into my lifes account~I am strong~because you deposit, I fight~because you deposit, I say “yes I can”. From some place I came and from some place I will return and when I do, I’ll be watching you and smiling at what I see…

  2. Rev Regina Hoist permalink

    My Sister as I read your blog I could only thank God for who He is to us. Even when our words and thoughts do not openly acknowledge Him and His presence, He is faithful to us and it is only by His grace and mercy that we have the strength and ability to be creative and responsive to our thoughts and feelings in the very challenging time of serious illness and afflictions. But, because God is God, I truly believe we can do all things through Christ who strengthens us, Philippians 4:13. I will continue to praise Him for giving you the strength to write down what is in your heart to be a testimony and source of encouragement for others. Know that “With God all things are possible” Matthew 19:26, and because of this, you will continue to have the strength to share your journey and I pray be encouraged by your own faith and strength. Much love🌹💕

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