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Go Straight To Hell

ma

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There are a number of people in the world who don’t realize that sometimes their knowledge of things and speaking of them can override their intelligence. I.e. the lyrics that say “you’ve got to know when to hold, know when to fold and know when to walk away “to me this is the mark of an intelligent person. And then there are those people who are so obsessed with themselves and their wonderfulness that they never learned that there are other worlds in the universe. I am thinking that maybe it had something to do with their home training. So having said that, someone told me after I had tried to speak of my pain “that the devils work had entered my thinking” needless to say that was the end of the conversation. That night I met the devil

It was after my second chemo treatment, unable to go to sleep for whatever the reason my face began to burn with a heat that I have never experienced in my life ~ it continued though the top of my head, in my mind I could see flames shooting through the top of my head ~ perspiration began pouring down my face and onto my chest and I thought I was losing my mind because from my chest to my feet my coldness was becoming unbearable ~ what was happening? My pillow was socked with perspiration and my body was in a freezer ~ I lifted my body from the bed, looked back and found clumps of hair on the pillow ~ I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t cry. I got to the bathroom, only to discover that my urine was the same color as the poison they put in me and the devil stood up and said “ hello “….

I don’t know which was worse, my fear or my anger, I attempted to take a sip of water, but I could not swallow. There came a point where I could speck and all I did was curse the devil ~ I put my very cold hands on my burning head and tried to find comfort in that. I thought of Saturday Night Fever and this disco is burning, burn this mother down. I hated everything; I couldn’t think of suicide, because what would have been the point of the chemo. Every surface that my body passed over continued to accumulate my hair, until we shaved it off. I feared for the loss of my teeth, which in my vanity met a lot to me. Yes I am in the fight of my life for my life and my vanity prevails to the death. Yes I am women and all that it implies, so according to the gospel of Renée there are some things in life that are worse than death. And the younger generation said “you can either get with this or you can get with that”….

Did you ever think that most people will say “how are you doing “but do they really want to know? Not that I was running a test, but after being asked that question, as most of us are, I replied “I’m dying how are you”? For some reason I enjoyed the shock value. Because most people really don’t want to know.
Thank you for your visit ~ Talk to me

Renée 1

Hope And My Spiritual Self (Lesson 1)

ma

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Losing hope for me was losing everything; for without hope, which for me is the same as faith, what is there? You have nothing, what is this life about? If there isn’t a here after, because death has not conquered the grave. If I thought that this life was all there is, this would be enough to scare me to death. Romans 1:16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ. So based on my belief and my faith, I prayed a prayer, not because of my affliction, but because of all the things in my life that might have taken my life a few times over, I knew that it was no accident that I am still here. I have known for most of my adult life that the bad things that happen to good people, don’t come from the God that created us, I know what I know, because I know. When I sat down at the table and agreed to this life lesson, I don’t remember signing on for this. For those of you who understand (just smile). Enough said on that for now.
Going to chemo therapy was going to meet the devil himself. The phase “what’s your poison” was never truer ~ having full knowledge that I had given these people permission to poison me, and knowing that if I survived would have some long team residual effects, blew my mind and made me question my sanity. The chemo soldiers would kill cancer soldiers as well as my good ones. Renée
Please explain that, you see the chemo itself can cause another cancer to develop or it can just kill you, which happens all the time, but people just don’t hear about it. This chemo isn’t medicine, it is a poison that ravishes the body and the medical community makes a judgment call, based on your individual history and your age, whether or not your body can hold up under the siege and it can be a crap shoot (no guaranties)…..

Every chemo day, I sat in that room and watched the nurse approach me with that poison, I screamed inside, but who was listening? Who cared? Maybe I would wake up and discover it was a bad dream. I would listen to Whitney Houston sing “I didn’t know my own strength” and R. Kelly sing “The Greatest”, because I learned a long time ago that if you can just change your mind, you can change your world. That needle being pushed into my chest made me feel things I had never felt in my life. I didn’t feel like that mountain way up high, but I wanted to and why had my body betrayed me and why did I have to find the strength to deal with this and Why, why, why………

Thank you for your visit ~ Talk to me

Renée 1

Infusior Port

ma

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It was very early in the morning, before day break on a hot August day, as I traveled to the hospital to have a foreign object put in my chest. Something they called an Infuser Port. It is exactly what the name suggests. It’s a port by which they will import Chemotherapy or any other medication that should be given IV.  If they don’t do this your veins will collapse and or break down after a period of time. I thought to myself “this would absolutely be a junkies dream”. But moving along, I was told that this would be a simple procedure, no need to put me to sleep, just numb the area. I BELIEVED THEM. They had to open an area on my chest large enough to receive the port and then run a cathedra up and through my jugular vein. I felt every injection, of which there were many ~ every push and every manipulation and just as Bad, every comment of frustration the physician made all while pressing my head into the table and telling me not to move.  There came a point and time when the physician was on my neck and he yelled out “SHIT”.  At that moment, I wanted anybody who could help me. I yelled “YOU ARE HURTING ME, PLEASE STOP, I am IN PAIN”. All I could see was that big clock on the wall. What was to have been a forty minute procedure took one hour and forty five minuets. I called my dead mother to please help me and stop the pain. I cursed at him and he said “I’m Sorry” and then said “It was a difficult procedure” I did not know that another hospital would have put me to sleep. I told this doctor that I hated him and that he would never put his hands on me for any reason!

This thing that now looked like a door knob was bulging out of my chest.  There was also a bulge at my jugular vein, which impaired my swallowing and hampered my being able to speck a full sentence without stopping to breathe. I was in constant discomfort and fear. Positioning my head on a pillow became a problem because it always felt like part of this object was trying to push through my throat.  From the moment of getting off of the procedure table, I felt he did something wrong. When I spoke to my oncologist about this she said that she had never heard of this complaint before.  Little did I know that this would be just the beginning of many things she had never heard of. I know now in hindsight, I should have run from this medical community ~ but I was so scared and I just didn’t know.

After taking my second cocktail, which in the business of cancer is how they refer to chemotherapy and just for record, there are different cocktails, they are not all the same. My discomfort level had become worse and I was sent to imaging to see if there was a crack in the tube that ran through the jugular vein. At that time I was told that depending on the malfunction, the chemo could burn me out. I was then sent to another hospital where I was put to sleep and the port was removed and another one was put in.  Upon returning home I regurgitated for two days and contemplated the monsters within….

 

Thank You For Your Visit  ~ Talk To Me

Reněe 1

Giving Up Control

ma

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Moving to the mountains was supposed to increase the quality of my life.  I should have known something was up when I saw so many people had tubes stuck up there noises and they were pulling a tank behind them.  I had never seen anything like that before and it was a long time before I found out what those tanks were for.  Oxygen? Did you say oxygen! Then why are they smoking cigarettes?

I was the girl from the big city who had to have well water, because the more you control your environment, the better your changes are against the terrorists. Put your back against the wall, so that you can see everything that is coming…Well surprise, surprise, this was one front I didn’t prepare for and the train came through like a bat out of hell.  I don’t know when it hit me, why it hit me; I didn’t even see it coming.  I woke up and a voice said “don’t you know, you were run over by the train, you think you are dead, but you are not.

This puts me in the mind of a wonderful soul who passed through my life and definitely left her footprint in my life.  We’ll call her K ~ a pistol packing, bible preaching, if it’s impossible, just give me a little time to get it done individual.  K stood 5ft.2in. Weighed 100lbs spoke impeccable English and had traveled the world, well versed on most subjects ~ she owned a 60 acre farmhouse in upstate NY and never locked her house doors, because the doors were answered by the Doberman pinchers. K owned an arsenal of weapons (legal) and called for me one day to say she had a buyer for her UZI and would I accompany her.  She became a very dear friend to me and educated me on many things.  One day as I stood on my driveway, K drove up and stepped out of her big truck wearing her black leather pants and tasseled vest, did I bother to mention that K was 75 years old and was living life to the fullest ~ she walked around the land and stated ‘what a beautiful vantage point I had, you can see everything that’s coming at you, when the battle comes and you know that it is coming.  Don’t ever sell this place she said, now if you are not busy, let’s target practice…

K and I were on the same page ~ an amen corner if you will, controlling our environments and as much of our lives as possible.  We were not brave woman, but I like to think strong woman.

Giving up control of my body to total strangers has been very hard for me to wrap my head around. I have always felt that there are some things in life that are worst then death……

Talk To Me        Renee 1

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My Mission

ma

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While waiting in one of my many waiting rooms, a voice said “welcome to the sisterhood” as if this was some honored sorority.  As I turned to see who the voice belonged to, I looked into a  smiling face, as the lips continued to move and referred to me as a survivor “pause” I didn’t choose to respond, out of fear of disturbing their comfort zone and I had to stay in mine because I didn’t want to sink into their madness.  Reality is perception for all of us and it is my mission to find and touch the many breast cancer souls across all ethnicities who have felt that they were alone.  ~ You Are Not Alone ~

What have you experienced during your journey of chemo, steroids, surgery, radiation, pills for five years and maybe psychotherapy? Did I mention breast reconstruction? As a minority, your voice and mine have been a squick in the night, but I have to believe that I am not alone and together we can share, inspire, educate, inform and most of all be heard. ~ You Are Not Alone ~

Because I guess perception is everything.  I am 30 seconds at any given moment from just collapsing. I never knew anyone with cancer.  It’s always been other people talking about who had cancer. I see commercials on TV and Ads in magazines, but it was never anything I had an interest in.  Now I stop what I am doing to hear the latest thing they’re doing in breast cancer research.  As I was being pushed into the procedure room, I wanted my mother, I thought about the Six million dollar man and the Bourne experience and all the movies I had ever seen where men were implanted with some device, weather it was for good or evil.  Which one is mine?

Is anybody out there?  Talk to me…       Renee 1

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