Between you and me, I am scared as hell most of the time. I
guess you first have to understand that in my world being scared and being
in fear are two different things. I am starting to overcome the fear part. I
work on it everyday with meditation and mantras ~ but being scared for me
is feeling a new pain, any sensation I haven’t felt before. I just learned that
twenty thousand people die every day from cancer ~ so when nice
meaning people tell me how good I look and ask me “if they got it all”? I
secretly think ” hell, I looked great before they told me I was sick” My
response is “I really don’t know”. The chemotherapy and the radiation
( understanding that they both are poison) may start a different cancer
some place else in the body.
Am I really the only cancer victim who doesn’t believe in phases like
“fighting the good fight” ~ I won’t drink the Kool-Aid. I was speaking to
someone whose cancer treatment was cut off, because her insurance
company wasn’t going to pay any more money. What a selfish, mean
society we are. It is so true “only the strong survive”. I used to think that
money was power, but money only enables you to buy and pay ~ yes we all
know how important that is ~ but who has the power? The government, the
pharmaceutical companies, all major corporations, and who you know that
knows somebody… And so the world turns
I have spoken and said many times ” I didn’t sign on for this” Let me
explain. I have struggled most of my life with the thought in my mind, that
before this reality that we know, that I was someplace else with full
consciousness agreeing to come to this realm ~ but I don’t remember
signing on for this affliction. NOW, having shared this with you~~~~
I found something today that truly comforted me and I would like to share it
with you. It was written by James Blanchard Cisners. from You Have
Chosen To Remember…Bringing Light Into the Darkness
You have not been cursed with your current circumstances; you have
simply volunteered to bring peace to an area of your life and of the world
where there is pain. You have spiritually realized a need, and decided that
you were a good choice to help fill this need through your free will, you
volunteered, and are now in the process of helping to shine a light into the
dark crevices of our mind and planet. You are now here to overcome that
challenging situation, and through your life of experience, example, and the
victory over it to help others overcome what they themselves are going
through or will be going through. And so today, do not judge yourself for
what your journey looks like, instead hold your head up high knowing that
the path you have chosen will help you and others remember that every
moment is a gift. A blessing that is in one way or another helping to lift us
out of the darkness into the light.
Peace, Health, Happiness, Love, Laughter and Light
Thank you for letting me tell you my secret
Until next time~~~~
I am Renée 1
Vanity has always been part of the world we live in and I have my share of it. People can become very pompous about your issues, when they haven’t walked in your moccasins. What a blessing it is to come into the world and leave it with our whole mind and body fully in tact ~ but we never say “thank you”. Paraplegics and people who have lost their limbs, gone blind and somehow they found enough in their hearts to smile and genuinely be happy.
They cut my breast off and I didn’t want to live. You see, a week before surgery they took another mammogram and ultra sound and I was clear. No tumor could be found. I agreed to go into surgery to have a look, just to make sure. My tumor which was about 3cm could not be found. Surgeon stated there was a lot of crystallization; pathology said it was A typical, so in my best interest the breast was removed along with 9 lymph nodes. When I was informed I went into shock and lost the next two days of my life. I felt mutilated, destroyed as a woman. You see I didn’t go into surgery thinking they were going to remove my breast. The drama in my head and the drama in my body were not in sync. I was so weak and so alone, I felt invisible and wanted to leave this life as I know it. My blood levels were slow rising so they gave me a blood transfusion. It was a year later before I thought about that transfusion and weather someone in the handling of that blood, let a bad batch get by. After all this was an elective surgery why didn’t I ask my family to donate blood before the date? I couldn’t think of everything and now the deed is done.
On the third day my surgeon came back to look at her work. I cried and couldn’t look down as she removed the bandages and stated as she smiled “It’s just a scar”.
It was four weeks later before I could remove my badges and surgical bra, when I observed metal claps across my chest, where a breast used to be. I counted them over and over. My life had changed forever. Who would have thought that losing a breast would have thrown my gate off? I wondered why I swayed or stumbled sometimes. Eventually I figured out for myself, that my body was trying to find its new normal. After six weeks I returned to the surgeon for these staples to be pulled out of my chest. I don’t have words for the fear. I only remember how I trembled. I now question, did they really have to use a staple gun to close me when my muscle was still intact and that being the case. Why didn’t they use dissolvable stitches?
Conquering and slaying the demons within. One day at a time…..
As Always, thank you for your time and your visit
I am Renée 1
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Does anyone know what ” After ” looks like? Have you touched it, felt it? Maybe someone told you it would come and if it did, what did it leave behind? because in the world that I live in, nothing is given and nothing is taken away. Maybe it disguises itself In more forms then we could imagine. When the fear has been so deep and so all consuming; can you find peace in the quiet storm? I recognize and give big respect to “AFTER “. Can you think of anything that is more powerful then “AFTER”? I am going to leave this for another day, maybe another year, maybe not in this lifetime.
Am I the only one who is not feeling the color Pink and wouldn’t walk a foot, never mind a mile for Cancer Research? I won’t revisit my feelings at this time, because I’ve already spoken to how I feel about the governments collateral damage of which I am one of millions. I went against my inner judgment and took the pill Arimadex. That’s the latest pill to inhibit the production of estrogen. It took three months for one of the major side effects to kick in. Pain in my hips and thighs, to the point I could hardly walk. The oncologist wanted to know, what I took for pain ~ brain check, did I miss something ~ ? You see, you take this pill for five years and if you are still alive, the medical profession says well done. Don’t take it and I am told the cancer will come back with a vengeance. I guess the question is, what price will I pay for life. If estrogen is my enemy and I take a pill that stops the reproduction of estrogen, than what about my brain, my bones, liver, heart. So what does this mean? stop the breast cancer and deal with the deterioration of other parts of my body?
The mind is such a monster ~ With every pain I had visions of estrogen being strip from my bones. I pondered for a long time, could I live this way for the next five years and maybe longer. My answer was “No”. The oncologist said I have to take something, so she gave me a prescription for Tamoxifen. One of the potential side Affects is a stroke. Well the oncologist stated, that none of her patients had suffered a stroke and I told her I wasn’t going to be the first…….She hasn’t treated me the same since and I am looking for a new oncologist.
So this is where “AFTER” appears. The consequences of my decisions or the lack of them. Either way, there’s always some HereAfter….
I do realize all the souls, that choose the poison and they are ten, twenty years out from cancer. God bless them all. If there were not any tread offs, tell me about it, talk to me ~ I do not want o be encumbered by what I know, because there is so much that I don’t know…….
Thank You For Your Visit ~ Talk To Me
Renee1
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Every waking moment became consumed with death, fear and anger. I was a 67 year old woman, but that was just a number, I wasn’t old, in my mind I was still 40. In my mind My mortality and fear became my ever present reality, second only by anger; there was no time to think about options, this was an aggressive tumor that had to be treated aggressively. I told myself that I knew I had to die and that I didn’t come here to stay forever, so what was my problem? The power of fear had manifested itself in my life to the degree that it owned me and I felt like a hypocrite based on what I felt my belief system had been, so in the process I lost my identity and I had no tomorrow……
Is anybody out there? Talk to me… Renee 1
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I have just enough knowledge to believe in the conspiracy. Conspiracy you say? Don’t be fooled by everything you read, God help me, it maybe too late for me but the enemy does come in like a flood, like death, it just happens and you beg for mercy. Did you ever think that people with a lot of alphabets behind their names and machines you never heard of, now talking about the state of your body? Are we someone’s experiment? Is this all by design to eliminate a certain portion of the human race for the benefit of a mighty few. Do you want me to believe that you really don’t have the cure for cancer? I am not that gullible! All the millions and millions of dollars that have gone into cancer research for the number of years that people have been afflicted with this dreadful disease has not bought forth fruit? The majority of people being lead to the slaughter, including me, because of an agency called the FDA. Personally I think it’s all collateral damage for a greater cause. That of which you and I will never know. “Pause” Can you just imagine if someone came up today with the cure for whatever the cancer might be? What would that mean to the people, facilities, organizations and everyone employed for the cure for cancer? Do you think that unemployment is at an all time high now? You aint seen nothing yet and by the way, I hate the color pink ~ I have been reading and looking over the writings of Dr. Otto Warberg and FYI did you know that Cancer Cells Love Sugar. My oncologist knows this and yet when I was unable to swallow food, the liquid supplement Ensure was recommended. Did she take a course in nutrition or did I assume that? I am putting in a link to Dr. Otto Warberg http://www.mnwelldir.org/docs/nutrition/diet.htm I hope this information serves you well. I believe that this is a profit business and it is too much money on the table for them to care about you and me. I may not believe in the color pink, but I do believe in the men in black and they can make things go away, as if they never existed. That means you andme. Being told that I had breast cancer in and of itself was a body blow, but then I was told that she didn’t believe it was the primary; here came the body blow flowered by the tusume. What the hell is the primary? Oh, you mean it manifested someplace else first. My whole world cashed in front of me. I think I know now how superman felt when he touched keptonite. Added to that, I was told that it is normally someplace else, other than the breast. I believe that I was mentally transported into a space and time that would allow my brain to slowly digest what was said to me without having a nervous breakdown. Losing touch with reality can be a good thing, because when you alter space and time it allows your psyche to recover. Whatever it takes to get though the night. We are a fragile creation, resilient, but quite complicated. It was the first time in my life that I can remember not being able to handle the truth and there was no plan “B”. As Always Thank You For Your Time and Your Visit Talk To Me Renée 1 .
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I read somewhere that 33% more black woman
Die of breast cancer then do white women, but where are their voices? You normally don’t know what a black woman died of until you are at the funeral and ask. I have also read that the reason you find nothing from black women is because they are at the bottom of the economic level and have little or nothing to say, so does this imply, that if you were making upward of six figures a year that you would have something to say? These readings have infuriated me and given birth to this blog.
When I became diagnosed with this dreadful disease I choose to keep it to myself and my inner circle; honestly because I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me and I didn’t want to hear anyone tell me how sorry they were, particularly the people I knew didn’t have a whole lot of love for me. These would have been the people, who would have shown up at my funeral, who had lost care for me a long time ago with hypocritical words on their lips. The few chosen people in my life who have had the privilege to know me; know that death changes nothing and if I disliked you in life, why would your death change anything?
My soul mate gave me a metaphor: There was a man who wanted to know which one of his neighbors was his friend, so he cut up one of his livestock, put it in a bag with blood sipping and told his son to go to each man pulling the bag and say “my father has killed a man, what must I do”? The first man said he didn’t know what to tell him and closed the door. The second man as he reached out and grabbed the bag and pulled it into his house stated to the boy “and tell your father I still disagree with our last conversation twenty years ago”…..enough said about friends, they can be closer than your kin. God bless you if you have a friend.
There are some effects of this cancer treatment that transcends all ethnic groups and then there are those things that only effect woman of color ~ just call me little girl blue ~ upon taking a second look at myself, I discovered I was turning blue. The bottom of my feet and the inside of my hands, yes I was more than concerned and they sent me to a dermatologist who didn’t have a clue and told me to watch it. Time progressed and there came a morning when I woke up and discovered my tongue and fingernails were a dark blue. I cried and thought my body was losing oxygen. I was admitted to the hospital and it took another week for the medical community to find out, sometimes this happens to people of color. So much for: information, technology, communication and continued education. I was then asked by my black oncologist if I would mind showing my blue parts to certain medical staff on the floor and I refused.
As Always Thank You For Stopping By ~ Talk To me
Renée 1
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There are a number of people in the world who don’t realize that sometimes their knowledge of things and speaking of them can override their intelligence. I.e. the lyrics that say “you’ve got to know when to hold, know when to fold and know when to walk away “to me this is the mark of an intelligent person. And then there are those people who are so obsessed with themselves and their wonderfulness that they never learned that there are other worlds in the universe. I am thinking that maybe it had something to do with their home training. So having said that, someone told me after I had tried to speak of my pain “that the devils work had entered my thinking” needless to say that was the end of the conversation. That night I met the devil
It was after my second chemo treatment, unable to go to sleep for whatever the reason my face began to burn with a heat that I have never experienced in my life ~ it continued though the top of my head, in my mind I could see flames shooting through the top of my head ~ perspiration began pouring down my face and onto my chest and I thought I was losing my mind because from my chest to my feet my coldness was becoming unbearable ~ what was happening? My pillow was socked with perspiration and my body was in a freezer ~ I lifted my body from the bed, looked back and found clumps of hair on the pillow ~ I couldn’t speak and I couldn’t cry. I got to the bathroom, only to discover that my urine was the same color as the poison they put in me and the devil stood up and said “ hello “….
I don’t know which was worse, my fear or my anger, I attempted to take a sip of water, but I could not swallow. There came a point where I could speck and all I did was curse the devil ~ I put my very cold hands on my burning head and tried to find comfort in that. I thought of Saturday Night Fever and this disco is burning, burn this mother down. I hated everything; I couldn’t think of suicide, because what would have been the point of the chemo. Every surface that my body passed over continued to accumulate my hair, until we shaved it off. I feared for the loss of my teeth, which in my vanity met a lot to me. Yes I am in the fight of my life for my life and my vanity prevails to the death. Yes I am women and all that it implies, so according to the gospel of Renée there are some things in life that are worse than death. And the younger generation said “you can either get with this or you can get with that”….
Did you ever think that most people will say “how are you doing “but do they really want to know? Not that I was running a test, but after being asked that question, as most of us are, I replied “I’m dying how are you”? For some reason I enjoyed the shock value. Because most people really don’t want to know.
Thank you for your visit ~ Talk to me
Renée 1
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Losing hope for me was losing everything; for without hope, which for me is the same as faith, what is there? You have nothing, what is this life about? If there isn’t a here after, because death has not conquered the grave. If I thought that this life was all there is, this would be enough to scare me to death. Romans 1:16 For I am not ashamed of the gospel of Christ. So based on my belief and my faith, I prayed a prayer, not because of my affliction, but because of all the things in my life that might have taken my life a few times over, I knew that it was no accident that I am still here. I have known for most of my adult life that the bad things that happen to good people, don’t come from the God that created us, I know what I know, because I know. When I sat down at the table and agreed to this life lesson, I don’t remember signing on for this. For those of you who understand (just smile). Enough said on that for now.
Going to chemo therapy was going to meet the devil himself. The phase “what’s your poison” was never truer ~ having full knowledge that I had given these people permission to poison me, and knowing that if I survived would have some long team residual effects, blew my mind and made me question my sanity. The chemo soldiers would kill cancer soldiers as well as my good ones. Renée
Please explain that, you see the chemo itself can cause another cancer to develop or it can just kill you, which happens all the time, but people just don’t hear about it. This chemo isn’t medicine, it is a poison that ravishes the body and the medical community makes a judgment call, based on your individual history and your age, whether or not your body can hold up under the siege and it can be a crap shoot (no guaranties)…..
Every chemo day, I sat in that room and watched the nurse approach me with that poison, I screamed inside, but who was listening? Who cared? Maybe I would wake up and discover it was a bad dream. I would listen to Whitney Houston sing “I didn’t know my own strength” and R. Kelly sing “The Greatest”, because I learned a long time ago that if you can just change your mind, you can change your world. That needle being pushed into my chest made me feel things I had never felt in my life. I didn’t feel like that mountain way up high, but I wanted to and why had my body betrayed me and why did I have to find the strength to deal with this and Why, why, why………
Thank you for your visit ~ Talk to me
Renée 1
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It was very early in the morning, before day break on a hot August day, as I traveled to the hospital to have a foreign object put in my chest. Something they called an Infuser Port. It is exactly what the name suggests. It’s a port by which they will import Chemotherapy or any other medication that should be given IV. If they don’t do this your veins will collapse and or break down after a period of time. I thought to myself “this would absolutely be a junkies dream”. But moving along, I was told that this would be a simple procedure, no need to put me to sleep, just numb the area. I BELIEVED THEM. They had to open an area on my chest large enough to receive the port and then run a cathedra up and through my jugular vein. I felt every injection, of which there were many ~ every push and every manipulation and just as Bad, every comment of frustration the physician made all while pressing my head into the table and telling me not to move. There came a point and time when the physician was on my neck and he yelled out “SHIT”. At that moment, I wanted anybody who could help me. I yelled “YOU ARE HURTING ME, PLEASE STOP, I am IN PAIN”. All I could see was that big clock on the wall. What was to have been a forty minute procedure took one hour and forty five minuets. I called my dead mother to please help me and stop the pain. I cursed at him and he said “I’m Sorry” and then said “It was a difficult procedure” I did not know that another hospital would have put me to sleep. I told this doctor that I hated him and that he would never put his hands on me for any reason!
This thing that now looked like a door knob was bulging out of my chest. There was also a bulge at my jugular vein, which impaired my swallowing and hampered my being able to speck a full sentence without stopping to breathe. I was in constant discomfort and fear. Positioning my head on a pillow became a problem because it always felt like part of this object was trying to push through my throat. From the moment of getting off of the procedure table, I felt he did something wrong. When I spoke to my oncologist about this she said that she had never heard of this complaint before. Little did I know that this would be just the beginning of many things she had never heard of. I know now in hindsight, I should have run from this medical community ~ but I was so scared and I just didn’t know.
After taking my second cocktail, which in the business of cancer is how they refer to chemotherapy and just for record, there are different cocktails, they are not all the same. My discomfort level had become worse and I was sent to imaging to see if there was a crack in the tube that ran through the jugular vein. At that time I was told that depending on the malfunction, the chemo could burn me out. I was then sent to another hospital where I was put to sleep and the port was removed and another one was put in. Upon returning home I regurgitated for two days and contemplated the monsters within….
Thank You For Your Visit ~ Talk To Me
Reněe 1
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